Tell Me
by Unformal Sorrelle
Summary: Dr. Koughkav has the most unique clients- Voldemort, Galbatorix, Darth Vader... Let's see them all spilling their hearts out to the good psychiatrist...
1. Chapter 1

Tell Me...*

Part one

On a red velvet couch, next to a roaring flame, lay a man wearing a black cloak. He laughed demonically and waited for a young woman to speak; He had been waiting for this for a long time.

"So, Lord Voldemort, tell me about your childhood…" Dr. Eris Koughfkav asked him.

…

On the list of Dr. Koughfkav's secretary, Mrs. Lovewood, the appointment schedule was yet again added to. Mrs. Lovewood was very precise and was rather fond of lists.

1:00 Lord Voldemort

1:30 Galbatorix

2:00 Roger Conte

2:30 Darth Vader

3:00 empty (crossed out) Mr. Teatime (Also crossed out) Spike

3:30 The Big Bad Wolf

4:00 The Evil Witch

4:30 Ironel Novendot the Wolf's Paw

5:00 Group Session

Pricilla Cinder

Melusine Cinder

Darth Vader

Empress Berenene dor Ocmore

ect.

…

* * *

_This is a crossover thing (and my first try at fan fiction!) where I sit down famous bad guys (or at least memorable ones) and talk about what happened from there point of view. I think this will be fairly intertaining, exspecially the group session. So review if you want to be nice, recommend another bad guy to sit in the red velvet chair, or if you actually have an opinion. I'll try to write this faster if someone starts following it but if not, I'll work at my own pace._ Thank you for reading this, you're absolutely epicipipical! -Sorrel

***Disclaimer- The only character that belongs to me is Dr. Koughfav the others go to the following-**

**Voldemort is from J.K. Rowlings Harry Potter series**

**Galbatorix is from Christopher Paolini's Inheritance Cycle**

**Roger Conte and Berenene dor Ocmore are characters from Tamora Pierce (The Song of the Lioness Quartet and The Will of the Empress respectively) **

**Darth Vader is from Star Wars**

**(though only mentioned once, Mr. Teatime is from Terry Pratchett's Hogfather)**

**Spike is from the Buffyverse**

**Ironel Novendot is from Tanith Lee's Claidi Journal's**

**The Big Bad Wolf, The Evil Witch, Priscilla Cinder and Melusine Cinder are inspired from fairy tales**

**Thank You!**

**_Other Disclaimer- If I didn't do this right I'm sorry, its my first fan fiction and I'm still getting the ropes. If I did mess up please tell me how I can fix it._  
**


	2. Voldemort

Tell Me II*

"…I stole their favorite toys and I made them cry." Voldemort sounded proud of himself.

Dr. Koughfkav tapped her pencil to her nose,

"Why did you do this?"

"I wanted to!"

"You were deprived of affection when you were young… couldn't control self…" The doctor muttered while taking notes. "Tell me what these cards look like to you," She held a black smudge up,

"It's fire. That is a snake. That could be a ferret but I'm leaning more towards the spineless son of a spineless father, Draco Malfoy." The next card made Voldemort snap up in rage, "Harry Potter!"

_Strong reaction to thunder bolts possibly connected to weather. Harry Potter is an enemy figure._ The doctor wrote.

"Settle down. That's it. What about this Harry Potter?"

"I tried to murder him when he was a baby but… he cheated and destroyed me! As a BABY! Then he won't join forces with me, wouldn't give me the sorcerer's stone! He killed my basilisk and disrupted my Death Eaters! He destroyed my lovely horcruxes! Then I finally killed the brat when he rose from the grave and KILLED me! He's such a little goody-goody murderer!"

"You certainly have some issues to work out; I recommend coming to the group therapy session at five. So can you tell me what emotions you feel when Harry Potter is mentioned?"

…

_So we get our first glance at Voldy..._

_***Disclaimer- I do not own Voldemort, I am not J.K. Rowling. **  
_


	3. Galbatorix

Tell Me III

"Join my cause to unite Alagaesia! You shall-"

"Galbatorix, would you please sit down?"

"I shall rule all-"

"Sir, please sit down."

"… and Eragon and his dragon will-"

"WOULD YOU SIT DOWN, SIR?" Dr. Koughfkav ordered. Galbatorix sat down but kept ranting.

"Saphira is the last female dragon and should not be hurt at all costs; her rider on the other hand has been stubborn. Why do they keep opposing me?"

"Galbatorix, I think you should try to imagine how Eragon feels about you. Do that."

"He loves that I killed his uncle so he could be granted freedom and feels wanted because of the large reward I placed on his head. I found his brother for him so he should be grateful. I even killed the old geezer who'd been boring his head with nonsense! Eragon just has no sense of gratitude!"

"Whose fault is it that-"

"Brom turned him against me! Although I think it's the youth in general these days. In my generation we weren't even-"

"Do you fear Eragon?"

"No! Of Corse not! I've wards to protect me from anything he could throw at me," Galbatorix sighed, "No, it's the fans I worry about."

"What? What fans?"

"To keep up with the times I follow an Eragon fansites and there are some fanatic's there! They talk of stabbing me with a sharpen carrot, locking me in a room with red eyed rabbits and pelting me with marshmallows!"

"Interesting," Dr. Kaughfkav jotted down more notes, "What do these cards look like to you?"

"Maybe a dragon perhaps, when it's breathing fire. A wingless dragon, and a small dragon. That lightning bolt is magic drawn down by me."

The doctor wrote more on her patient.

"Doctor, could you tell me about yourself? I want to guess your name."

"No."

…

_Isn't that little brat Eragon ungrateful? Those fans are absolutely terrifying! Le gasp :0 _

-Feel free to review with how Galby is gonna die, I myself thing it has something to do with that ox horn thing that got past Eragon's wards on Roran. It will also be original to say the least...

**Disclaimer, I do not own Galbatorix, I'm not Christopher Paolini **


	4. Duke Roger of Conte and Darth Vader

Tell Me IIII

"I'm not dead. I never was dead. That little _Sir_ Alanna may think she killed me twice but I'll just keep coming back."

"That's nice, tell me about your childhood Duke Cont,"

"Roger, please. I grew up in the castle and became a sorcerer. Then my little cousin was born. Jonathon stole my crown! I could never let him be king, but I couldn't risk a civil war either so I acted with caution. Then _Sir_ Alanna ruined it all!"

If Dr. Koughfkav had not been a professional, she would have remarked that Roger had grown up very fast. This meant he did not like the past and did not want it to be important. Roger was just… tolerating her.

"What is the Sir Alanna and what does she mean to you?"

"The little witch tricked everyone, lied about her true nature. It is not natural to have women warriors! And there is the small matter of her not-quite-killing-me-twice." His sapphire eyes sparkled, trying to win over the doctor. The doctor however was used to her clients and moved to her next step,

"What do these cards look like?"

"The first on is my old Gift. This one is a snake, and that fur ball reminds me of the redhead's cat. That though, reminds me of the sword that almost killed me a second time, Lightning."

"Why do you believe you were not killed twice?" Dr. Koughfkav took more notes in her little notebook.

"The first time _Sir_ Alanna nearly killed me I put myself in a sorcerers sleep until her own twin was goaded into bring me back. Then I was causing an earthquake and the tricky witch made me stab myself. I am here, aren't I? I am just to pretty to cross into the peaceful realms."

"Actually, Roger, you are dead. This is a place that doesn't completely exist. Most of my clients are in fact dead or soon to be dead. I do have some living clients but they are more confidential."

"What is the purpose of being here then?" He demanded,

"To move on without being forgotten, I do not judge, I am only the listening ear to help get you straightened out. I can also provide you some information on your killer. She is the king's champion, married one George Cooper and has three children. One of those children is the spymaster of the Copper Isles. Cooperate with me and I'll make your trauma go away."

"She's not queen?" Roger cheered,

…

The client breathed loudly. The client tried to strangle her with the force. The client nearly killed her with his red light saber.

"You're improving,"

…

I combined Vader with Roger because his parts so short (don't worry, you'll see more of both in the group session)

Some of you may wonder, who is this Roger? He is the cousin of Prince/King Jonathon Conte of Tortall. In the Tortall universe (Written by Tamora Pierce), Duke Roger was the main antagonist in the Song of the Lioness Quartet. He was indeed killed by _Sir_ Alanna, a girl who pretended to be a boy to be a knight. It's a fabulous series and world to read.

**Disclaimer, I am neither Tamora Pierce nor the owner of Darth Vader. Please do not sue me.**


	5. Spike

Tell Me V

"Why am I even here? I'm a bloody vampire not some sad namby needing a friend." He said with his English accent,

"Spike, Spike, Spike; Truth is I'm not sure why you're here. Last I checked you weren't evil, in fact the last time I saw you, you were…"

"Comics now, I'm a bloody super hero."

"Than do you want to go?"

"Yes, you finally got the hint!" The vampire walked out of the room.

…

_I'm sorry this is so short but Spike isn't really evil and Dr. Koughkav is very... Intolerant. If they're not evil she doesn't treat 'em, she thinks I'd be a waste of her time._

**Disclaimer, I don't own Spike**_  
_


	6. The Big Bad Wolf and The Evil Witch

Tell Me VI

The "No Animals" sign the building owners put up gave Dr. Koughfkav an hour off.

...

"Do you have any tea, dearie?" The witch asked,

"No, I should get some but it dreadfully offends some of my client for confidential reasons. I have some water if you want it."

"No thanks, it just reminds me of my cousin." She sniffed, "No, I just get caldrons of bubbly green goo. They think I drink babies blood or something when I don't! They also think I eat children and spiders and… help me!" The witch burst out crying.

"I will. Calm down. What is your name?"

She looked shocked,

"That's the first time someone asked me that. My name is Luxenna Anise."

"Well, Miss Anise, what are your views of your crimes?"

"I don't think I did anything wrong! I always get blamed for near cannibalization of to destructive children. I had finally rebuilt my house in the woods after it had been burnt and now it was very fancy. I left my baking outside to cool because I was cleaning when two little kids came and ate them. I was mad at them, but seeing no parents I took them inside so they would hurt themselves. They admitted they'd been abandoned so I decided I'd take care of them… They said I have an ugly nose and shoved me in my own oven! I still have scars from trying to get out of that death trap!"

"How traumatizing!"

"But still, it's nothing in my profession, my poor cousin Anatoli was squished by a house! Her twin Margaret was melted! My brother Rumplestilskin, for some reason he tore himself in half. The only one of my siblings alive is Neraida, and I fear for her greatly."

"I'm sorry but... I'll have to transfer you. You're not really… Evil."

**Author's Note-** Sorry it's been a while, I've had this and the next chapter written for a while but when ever I tried to post it I got error messages- Thanks for your couperation! I know not many people read this, but… Yeah, you should! And REVEIWS *hint hint* would make me SO happy!


	7. Princess Ironel Novendot of t Wolf Tower

Tell Me VII

"Where is Dr. Koughfkav?" Ironel demanded,

"I am she,"

"Don't be silly darling, I'm sure the good doctor is a bright, strapping _man_."

Dr. Koughfkav ignored this, she hadn't gotten to treat the most maniacal criminals in her lifetime without a very thick skin. Anyways, this comment gave the doctor more information on her patient.

"Princess Ironel, would you like to tell me about your problems?"

"Problems," Ironel gave a dry laugh, "Why would I trouble you with such nonsense? Where is the good Dr. Koughfkav?"

"Apparently your granddaughter-in-law has been troubling you; Claidi, your grandson Argul's wife?"

"Oh Argul, there's a good looking young man- sort of like Dr. Koughfkav should be- although such a barbaric name! I keep trying to get him to change it to a traditional name more fit to his station but he never listens to his old granny!"

"Madam, what about Claidi?"

"Claidissa is such a funny girl, I do enjoy her visits." Ironel reminded Dr. Koughfkav of a grey crocodile she was nearly wondering if Ironel tried to eat Claidi during these visits.

"What about Ustareth?"

"What about her? My disobedient daughter is none of my concern now."

"You've thought her dead for years, surely finding she was alive was hard."

Ironel cackled,

"Ustareth is very clever."

"So, what do these cards mean to you?"

"Oh, dear, this seems like the kind of thing Dr. Koughfkav would do. I really must refuse."

*I think I have more than this but not on this computer, so this may be update later

Disclaimer- Ironel is from the Claidi Journal by Tanith Lee (a series you should read)


End file.
